Making the holidays meaningful & manageable

You can manage the holidays, even in these extraordinary times.

It may be hard to believe that the holiday season is here: however, we only need to see TV commercials or stop in a store to see that the holiday season has indeed arrived. We know that this holiday season is like none other. For some, this may be the first holiday season without our loved one present because of death. In addition, we are grieving the loss of our “normal” holiday traditions that we hold so dear. This may be creating a sense of increased isolation and sadness, after all, for many of us the holiday season is when we gather with family and friends to celebrate. You may be asking yourself; how can I make this holiday season meaningful and manageable.

William Worden worked with many grieving families and he developed the idea of the “Tasks of Grief.” He believed that, in order to make sense of grief and loss, certain “tasks” would need to be addressed. These “tasks” may offer us a way to manage this holiday season.  His “tasks” are as follows.

Task #1: Acknowledge  It is not hard to acknowledge that we are in uncertain times and this holiday season brings it front and center. We may want to begin by acknowledging how sad we are about not being able to gather with family and friends. We can also acknowledge the comfort that our past traditions have offered us and celebrate our resilience and ability to manage the stress we are experiencing now. The poet Mary Oliver said, “Someone I know once gave me a box full of darkness. It has taken me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.” Yes, we know these are challenging times and that we have developed coping strategies to support us and our families.

Task #2: Accommodate:  We are trying to accommodate or “make room” for all the changes that have occurred to our lives, including changes that this holiday season brings. How do we make room for this “uninvited guest?”  How will our beloved traditions have to be altered to keep ourselves and our families safe? How will we manage the expectations that we have for ourselves and others? Let us be open to new expectations of ourselves and others; let us ask ourselves, “what will give me support and comfort now?” Do not fear asking for guidance from friends and family.

Task #3: Adjust: We have had to adjust to many things, and our holiday season is no different. We may be tempted to say, “We’ve always done it this way;” however, now may be a good time to re-evaluate our traditions. We know how strong we are and with strength comes creativity. This creativity will serve us to develop new ways of celebrating and being together. Technology can certainly help us (Zoom, Skype, Facetime). A colleague decided to have a Dunkin Donuts breakfast on Thanksgiving instead of her turkey dinner. Her rationale,“I kept trying to figure out how to do it the old way, and realized I had to try something else.” Brilliant!!!! Yes, while we are mourning our traditions, we can also view this year as a time for more generosity by donating the money you may spend on your meal to a charity or making the extra plate for your neighbor.  We know that one antidote to sadness is reaching out and doing good for others.

This is a holiday season we will always remember. Self-care is most important now, know your limitations and stick to them. Gratitude will take us a very long way, so let us hold that gratitude and hope for this holiday season.

Contributed by Christine Gallagher, LMFT